the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
