I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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