Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
