Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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