Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
