So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
