the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
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Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
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Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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