Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
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They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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