Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
