My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
