Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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