She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
