I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
