dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
