i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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