; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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