So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
