Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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