Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
