I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
