You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
