i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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