we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
