i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
