I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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