Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
