fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
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