so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
FUCK WHALES
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
