Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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