All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
