i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
