she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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