he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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