i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
