Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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