i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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