just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
