bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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