so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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