Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
