I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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