y did u give ur computer a hand job?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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