I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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