my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
you never un-have a 4some
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
