There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
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He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
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Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
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