I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
