the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
