broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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