what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
