I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
