I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
