hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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