Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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