please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Randomize
