I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
