ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
