How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
