Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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