I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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