is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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