I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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